The reason?

May I know the reason why in the first place you're doing this to me?

You just seem so secretive. You don't show it. You don't talk about it.

All you ever do is avoid it.

Maybe to you it's all normal, but have you ever thought of the feelings of others?

Did you ever think that by doing so, you will hurt someone? Maybe me?

I'm not as good as a broom, able to sweep away dusts and rubbish constantly. I am nothing but only human.

Sometimes I wish you would just be truthful to me. Sometimes I wish you would.

Sometimes there's you a small part in me, thinking that its disappointing. Not you. Me. Disappointed in myself.

So next time you talk to me, think what is the real reason you find me for. Don't use be for your own benefit. Think of me. Don't be selfish. I end with a thank you.

Reminder to self.

No, I will not. I promised I will not. It's just a small challenge for me. I can do it. I will not look back and think about it again. I will try my best to move on. =)....

Finished liao...reminding myself...yes..now back to my work.. = =

Too many things to care for, too many things to tend to.

It's been a very very very very extremely hectic week. Barely slept 4 hours a day during the night, but luckily i still manage to catch forty winks in the afternoon. *sighs*. Being so relaxed during the first few weeks when uni started and now, barely living it out by not choking and getting myself drown. = . =

So what? It's just the beginning. With the due date of an integrated project coming new, with 5 labs within 2 weeks, where 3 labs are continuous and going for a camp on the weekend. Gosh, I wonder whether I would survive next week.

Feels like shit. Tastes like hell. Sometimes I just wish I could just sit back, shake my legs and hope that everything ends well. But looks like that ain't coming. Maybe it's just me trying to inhale everything into myself and soak myself in it so that I will not think too much. =).

Yeah, it's going to be a hell of weeks, but for once, maybe I feel liberated? haha....
It's been going fine now, no messages from you, no conversations from you whatsoever and most importantly no feud. It makes it simpler to not care because it's not important to you.

Just here to rant some stuffs and now, after a energizing bath, I'm off to drenching myself again. Let's hope I get out alive, or not. =D

Reflections.

It's been a while since I last posted something. ^^

Reason for not updating, because I can't find anything to talk about. =)

Fact is, not that I don't have anything to talk about. Just that I don't think it's worth to be talked. For the past few weeks I've been trying to remain calm and regain my composure. haha~....not sure if it's working but I'm definitely trying. It came to my conscious that it is evident that you can trust no one but yourself. That is, of course if you don't want to get hurt.

It's funny how mind works. When you lose something, you will try all ways to try to find back that precious thing. When you do not find it, you feel that you're devastated and demoralized. What if, after a few weeks later, it reappeared again? Out of nowhere. Maybe you would be happy, maybe you won't feel anything.

The feeling is not just the same anymore as when you first owned it. The feeling is different now. When searching for the missing item, sometimes I might also hurt others unintentionally. It's not that I want to, but I did not notice it. Maybe I am just too carried away by the disappearance of the item that I neglected others that were important to me as well. It's not that I don't care about the rest. Sometimes explaining after something happened brings even more harm.

If they are true to you, one day, they will understand. Anyways, just wanted to apologize if it really did harm to you all. =).

As the days of the new year increase, I hope maybe I will not be stubborn anymore. =).
I hope that I would not be bound by the thing I've always been searching for.
I hope that I will not trust anyone so easily anymore.
I hope that I will not treat everyone so good anymore.
I hope that I will be back to what I'm best at. =P
I hope that from now on, these walls built around me will be strong enough to withstand the currents and pressure from the surrounding.

Last but not least, yes, people do change. It is evident now. But for the better or for the worse nobody can tell. Different people has different views. It's up to u how you interpret it. When someone has changed, you can do nothing to change the person back to the original, but you can only hope that the new person is just as good as the previous one.

One can forgive another persons mistake, but can one really forget? Let's just keep it as a memoir for us to remind ourselves that nobody is perfect and nothing is eternal. Things change. People change.

I guess it will be quite sometime before I update. =D ( sulah mau tidur la~~ haha.. )

For you, a friend I once known.

I guess, the waiting has to end. Sooner or later, reality will prevail. Dreams will be dashed and hopes will be dampened. Frankly speaking, I never put much hope on it? I knew there weren't hopes at the very least.

People have been complaining, what a sombre blog, what a emotional blog, so why not? This is what you get in my blog. What you see, is what you get. What you get, is not what you like. So what am I supposed to do with this? Continuous ignoration. Yeah, that's what I will do. Sometimes I just prefer to voice it out here, rather than throw a tantrum elsewhere. So maybe for once, if you don't see me posting any updates, you should be glad that I'm content with how I am.

Don't get me wrong. There are happy and joyous things that happen, but there is always just that one small little pest that can make it all null. I guess maybe I've improved? After more than a month, and now I'm here posting about it. Maybe it just wasn't as important as before?

My friend, it has been more than a month. Is there really nothing left to chatter between the two of us? Is this what I get when I act selflessly? Maybe not to the extent but I dare say I've contributed. Well, being ignored does hurt, but what hurts the most is being ignored by you.

I've really got nothing to say anymore. Now that it has passed. Now that almost everything is lost. Let's just say that the milk left on the table has turned sour. Any consumption of it will just cause discomfort to your stomach. Just the same as the condition we are in. I guess the gift that I presented to you is the last gift I will ever give to you. Very well, a parting gift. If that's how you like it to be, if that's how you want things to be between us, then very well. Let all the good times we had just be nothing but a memory that will be a part of my mind forever.

For you, a friend I once known, trusted, talked to and cherished.

There is only so much that I can take

It's almost a week now. My anger became regret, my regret became remorse, and my remorse became repent.

Albeit all that, I still couldn't win your forgiveness. I really meant no harm with the words that I said. You used to push me around with your jokes. I never thought that you would be hurt that way. By my words. Or is it not the reason?

At least if you're angry you could at least tell me. You just chose to ignore me. And ignore me. And ignore me. There is only so much that I can take. I'm really running out of options. People ask me to not care. But could I not?

What I thought, was not the same now anymore. People say that as time changes, people change. Are you one of them? I really hope you're not. These few days, I've just not been myself. You know my character and yet you let me, ignore me, and left me to fend for myself.

I just don't know what else I can do to redeem myself. To have back a friend like you. There is only so much that I can do. I really don't know what else I can do. Do you wan me to kneel down and beg you? Cos that's what I'm willing to do. Yeah, pathetic I guess, but that's the state I am now.

Pathetic

&

Hopeless.

Into thin air~

You don't have to hide.

You don't have to run away.

I will be the one.

To do the little disappearing act.

So save your time, save your energy.

Cause you know what?

Your time starts now.